California Adoption Search

Inspirations and Wisdom

Best Way to Make Contact for a Successful Reunion

It's important to realize that the most crucial part of the reunion is the first contact. If the first contact isn't handled with sensitivity and respect for the other person’s privacy it can forever alter the outcome of the reunion.

It’s wise to never assume that the person you are trying to contact will be as excited to be found as you are excited to find them. The other person probably will be thrilled to be contacted...however don't assume this and let the excitement of the moment propel you into making a rash decision to make a phone call and surprise them.

THE LETTER OPTION: I strongly encourage everyone to send a letter for the first contact and not to make a phone call or knock on the door. The letter from an adoptee should include a family picture if married or a casual snapshot if single. A birth parent should include one taken about the time of the adoptee's birth and a current snapshot. A good format for your letter would be to have three paragraphs; the first paragraph you could identify yourself and give some information about your adoption connection; the second paragraph you could give some information about yourself now (career, education, hobbies, family) to give the receiver of the letter a "comfort zone" for contacting you back; the third paragraph you might want to make a statement similar to this: "My research has led me to you. Please be assured that I only would like the opportunity to correspond with you now or to possibly meet you some day in the future if that is agreeable with you. It is not my intent to invade your life in any way. I will respect your privacy and will honor your decision whatever way it goes. I would greatly appreciate the opportunity to receive a letter from you indicating your feelings, either way, so that I am at least able to know I have reached you successfully."

THE PHONE CALL OPTION: A phone call can be more instantly gratifying and has worked for many people. However, it can also bring any possible reunion to an immediate end if the birth relative you are searching for doesn’t know about you or hasn’t told other members of their family about the relinquishment. A birth relative may want to know more about you through correspondence before talking on the phone. The person being contacted may also need processing time to consider your request. What you don’t want to do is create a "deer in the headlights syndrome" and force them to make a quick decision if they were not expecting to hear from you. A phone call can put your reunion at risk! It’s better to be safe than sorry….

The most powerful contact is between the people involved in the relinquishment and adoption. A third party contacting the person you are looking for is not generally the best way to start a relationship. It’s not wise to contact other relatives first in the hopes that they may tell you where your birth parents are living or where the adoptee is living. Relating your adoption connection to an unknowing relative could jeopardize your reunion. If you are using a search angel or a professional searcher to assist you in your search make sure that you advise your search assistant what contact rules are important to you in your search.

Be optimistic and respectful and give yourself time to make the contact in a way that will give your reunion the greatest chance of success. Be prepared to "wait" for a response. If the person you are looking for has also been actively searching for you then you probably will get a quick response. If they haven’t been looking for you it may take one to three months before they respond to your letter. The burden of patience falls on the person who initiated the contact, whether that person was the birthparent, birth relative or the adoptee. When you contact someone, you take them by surprise. Whether it's a positive surprise or a negative one, chances are that person will need time to adjust. If you haven’t heard from them after one to three months I would suggest writing a second letter.



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